Resident Evil 365: The Final Insult!
by Wesker Chick
Summary: I bet you think you know what happend after the Spencer Incident...Well, you're wrong. Wesker was still in Raccoon, along with a few new freinds...Meet the survivors of 'Coon City... Cowirtten with Dimitri Chavez
1. One Fine Night In Coon City

DISCLAIMER: I do not own RE or McDonalds or Ralph Lauren or Beastie Boys.

OT: Alright this fan fic is based on a message board RPG that myself and several others participated in. However the majority of the writing is from Dimitri Chavez, and myself. Dimitri is a good friend of mine from an RE message board.

What I did was rewrite several parts and edit the spelling errors and such to make it run a bit more smoothly. Oh and most of the wiring is in first person, I hope you don't mind, and since it is written that way, I will have a bit of narration to help things along. So here it is folks the story no one has ever told.!

Yes, I know, I started another one, but it's already written so this won't take long at all…

**

* * *

After the Spencer Mansion...**  
  
**Before Sheena Island...**  
  
**Way before Rockford Island...**

Way waaaay before that whole Cruise ship thing…

**'Coon City... err... Raccoon City, as the people call it, that's where this story is placed… **_

* * *

Standing at the counter we find a young man, roughly six foot in height and weighing about 160lbs. He is a bit lanky and wearing what appears to be a McDonald's uniform… _

It's in the newspapers, stories about cannibalism and mutilation. I, for one, am not scared. I work at McDonalds, what the hell is scarier than serving pissed off customers?! Well, anyways, I forgot the date... but this is the story, of 'Coon City.  
  
8:00pm  
  
"I want a cheese burger!" cried one pissed off middle-aged man.   
  
"OK, asshole. I'll give you your cheese burger." I said as I grabbed one from the tray and placed it in front of him. _He'd better like it_! I thought, as I got my middle finger primed.  
  
"Thank you!" He yelled, and he was off after he paid.

Dickhead. There wasn't many people around, but I know it was going to be a long night... Just then, BAM! Windows breaking! Moaning! Squishing sounds!   
  
"Ahhh"! Yelled a cook, "I'm not paid enough for this shit!"

_

* * *

Meanwhile at a nearby table, we find the former S.T.A.R.S. commander…Albert Wesker… _

I sat near the back of the restaurant, minding my own business and grinning evilly. I'm evil, it's what I do.   
  
I was also contemplating breaking the little asshole in half, who'd made my double cheese burger. Damn meat was falling off the bun. I hated that, the only thing I hated more than sliding meat was Redfield. Ah yes Redfield. I would find him, and make him pay...  
  
_-Flashback-  
  
"How dare you!!" I screamed, marching over to Redfield's desk. "These were my best sunglasses!!"  
  
I held up my now mangled and badly scratched Ralph Lauren sunglasses.  
  
"Get a grip Captain, it was an accident." Chris said looking sickenly handsome and heroic.  
  
-End Flashback-_  
  
Yes he would pay for ruining my glasses. Ya...and...uh ruining my plans to like kill everyone in the mansion and steal the tyrant data too. That sort of pissed me off as well. I mean you go through all that trouble to kill off six people, disable a chopper, pay off Brad to chicken out, and Blackmail Barry you had a tendency to get a wee bit upset when things just don't work out.   
  
Especially after you inject yourself with an unproven virus. Of course in retrospect maybe asking Birkin to create the virus during the annual "Umbrella is Evil" party hadn't been the brightest thing he'd done. Birkin had been pretty drunk at the time, and he suspected stoned. Though things had worked out kind of alright, well except for all the cats following him around all the time, and there was that weird urge he had to prance around naked during a full moon, while singing "Like a Virgin".  
  
Of course he could take that out on Redfield too. I rubbed my hands together, contemplating all the nasty things I could do to him. Did I mention I was evil?  
  
Several shots rang out, then someone started yelling something about S.T.A.R.S. I looked up in time to see Rebecca Chambers run out the door, as a Nemesis walked in. I didn't think she was still in town…  
  
"starrsss..."  
  
"Oh shit. I wonder if It's still classified as a S.T.A.R.S. member?" I asked aloud, disturbing a nearby zombie. Who then proceeded to try and take my double cheeseburger. I grabbed the thing by the throat and snapped him in half like a twig!!  
  
"No one steals from me!!"

Several minutes later, after successfully evading the Nemesis, I located the cook who had made my burger.

"I hate sliding meat!!"

After beating the hell out of the cook for my sliding meat problem, I headed out the door in search of the Bravo Team Medic.  
  
After a quick sprint, I found her arguing with a guy...carrying a bowling ball. Where this mysterious person had come from I do not know, nor at this point did I care a whole lot.  
  
"Ah hello Ms. Cha...."  
  
She let out a blood curdling scream and ran down the road. I scratched at my chin, thinking deeply.  
  
"Perhaps she is still mad that I shot her…either that or she is shocked that I am still among the living…who can say?"

Several seconds later she came running back, apparently the gentleman chasing her with the "electric pleasure toy" was much scarier then myself. I narrowed my eyes a bit at the new arrival.

"Now where the hell did he come from??" I was so confused…

_

* * *

Meanwhile, back at McDonald's… _

I got up... I got the craving to listen to Beastie Boys. Oh yeah! I brought my magic C.D. today. I grabbed a seemingly out of place ghetto-blaster and I popped in the CD. I noticed 'bout 200 zombies stumbling their way toward the medic chick, the tall blonde dude, the guy with the "electric pleasure toy" and the freak with the bowling ball. What else could I do? I ran outside to meet them!   
  
"Crap! What are we going to do!?" the medic screamed.

"We play some music of course!"   
  
I turned on the GBlaster and put it on Brass Monkey by the Beastie Boys. I grabbed a baseball bat and put the blaster on high then sat it down. I ran up to the first zombie and slammed his head about 20 feet into the coming crowd.   
  
"Join the fun!"

"He's insane!" The tall blonde guy snorted, shaking his head.

"I'm going to join in!" yelled the weirdo with the "toy".

* * *

OT: Well I hope you liked this first installment. I had a bit of trouble editing but overall it is working out well so far. What will our "heros" do about those 200 zombies?? 


	2. Welcome to the Matrix

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Resident Evil, Visine, McDonalds or The Matrix. Which is the same thing through the entire fic, so unless I mention something else, this is the last disclaimer you will be seeing.

A/N: I was reading through this, and decided that maybe I should try doing this in third person so it reads better. So here it goes…

* * *

With 200 zombies marching toward them, and the McDonalds kid tripping his little brains out, Wesker decided drastic measures should be taken...he took off his sunglasses.

"Damn, Captain, I think you might need some Visine or something for that." Rebecca said, pulling out a med pack.

"No worries, I am merely a bio-enhanced human, who wants to destroy Chris Redfield, and more than likely take over the world."

"Huh?" The idiot with the bowling ball looked confused.

"I'm evil, it's what I do."

And with that said, Wesker proceeded to kick some major ass in a very Matrix style way.

Then there were 2...Wesker and a zombie Keanu Reeves. McDonalds and the rest of the group grabbed some popcorn and found a seat for the fight.

Neo picked up a Colt M1999A1 and loaded it. Wesker loaded a .50AE Desert Eagle. They ran at each other, crisscrossing, and shooting. Then they leapt, and wrestled to the ground the guns pointed at each other's heads. Both of the guns clicked empty.

"Your out of ammo, Mr. Anderson." Wesker sounded eerily like Mr. Smith.

"You're out too."

They jumped to their feet and Wesker landed on top of Neo. A cop car was flying at them at full speed, followed by a tanker truck.

"Good-bye, Mr. Anderson." Wesker was grinning like a shark.

"My name is... NEO!"

Neo flew 40 feet into the air, leaving Wesker for dead. The car ran right over him, along with the tanker. Wesker stood up, unfazed but he asked for an aspirin anyways.

Neo phoned Morpheus..

And on the roof of a building, to Wesker's left, came a black Mr. X. He pulled out 2 Mp5s and started doing jumps and such, but his weight and gravity didn't mix too well. He stumbled, then fell into a smelting pot...that was just there for no reason at all. He came out, naked and on fire. He let out a thunderous roar This was quickly followed by a KA-BOOM, and a giant arm went flying through the air and knocked McDonalds in the head.

Chris Redfield turned a bright shade of crimson. "Force of habit."

With those parting words he promptly disappeared, and all was quiet.

"It certainly is strange the things that happen in Raccoon City, and it's not even a full moon." Wesker commented.

He slipped his sunglasses back on, and dusted a bit of road grim from his shirt. As he turned in the direction of the others, he caught a glimpse of himself in the hubcap of the police car which had run him over only seconds ago.

"AHHH! I have a hair out of place! It's an emergency! How can I be a treacherous bastard without the proper hair style?!"

"Want some gel??" McDonalds asked, as Wesker ran around frantically.

"NO!.. I'm allergic to hair gel." Wesker then let out a short string of obscenities, mumbling something about exposing his weakness.

"Well, what do you want then??"

"Just give me a comb!" Then he punched through a car window.

"Here!" McDonald's handed Wesker a comb, and he fixed it in one sweep. "Well... What now?"

"We should head to that cheap hotel over there!" The little perv with the _toy_ then winked at Rebecca.

"No thanks!" Snapped the Bravo Medic.

"How about the RPD?"

"Nah. I'm sure some other survivors all ready ransacked that place." Wesker nodded. "Nothing there, except zombies and Birkin's brat."

Everyone turned to stare at Wesker. He shrugged and turned his attention to a bit of dust on his shirt sleeve.

"FINE! How about that gas station?!" By this point McDonald's was getting touchy

"Sounds good!" It was the first helpful thing Mr. Bowling ball had said all evening.

And so our happy group of survivors proceeded to the gas station. After arriving, they split up, going about their business. Mr. Bowling ball went looking for beer, Rebecca started going through the lotto tickets, and the rest of them waited in line for a slushi.

"Wow, look what a found!" Mr. Bowling ball appeared holding a fancy key, and the key said…_Key to a Walkthrough._

Suddenly everything went slow-motion...

McDonald's looked down…a banana peel!!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!.."

But it was too late. A thunderous crash shook the gas station, and the key flew through the air. It was headed toward a gutter.

"I got it.!" Wesker dove for the key, but missed and fell into a chocolate bar stand.

The perv threw his _battery operated toy_ at it, deflecting it away from the sewer opening. It then landed in the open top of the slushi machine.

"AHHH!!!" Screamed everyone.

"ACK!" Perv choked out, pointing out the window at 300 zombies edging there way to the Gas Station.

* * *

A/N: Please let me know if it reads a bit better in third person.


	3. Meet the Walkthrough

Wesker picked himself up off the floor and approached the slushi machine, looking it over carefully. In fact, it appeared that he was employing the most devious and scientific part of his evil brain. The slushi machine was indeed well protected, it would seem the owner of the gas station had dealt with vandals before. He would have to pull out his ultimate weapon.

"Please stand back, or I might accidentally kill and/or dismember you and as much fun as that would be, I'm trying to cut my evil acts down to three a day."

As our small group of survivors looked at each other like Wesker had lost his mind, he pulled a small photograph from his shirt pocket. It was none other than his nemesis, Chris Redfield in his most heroic posture. He then let out a low animal like growl and jumped a good ten feet into the air, ruining the station's roof in the process. Five minutes, and a bit of cussing later, he crashed into the slushi machine feet first. Red slushi flew everywhere, splattering his nice dry cleaned black combat outfit and everyone standing within three feet of what used to be the slushi machine. But the key was indeed recovered. Wesker quickly stuffed the picture back into his pocket, lest he accidentally see it again and go into another homicidal rage.

"Here" Wesker than handed the key to the McDonald kid.

He figured he'd done the hard job, let Mr. McDonalds deal with the key.

I mean really what did he need with some dumb key anyway, he was Albert Wesker! He could take on 300 zombies like it was nothing! But I digress…

Then of course, Wesker happened to catch his reflection in the remains of the Slushi machine...and that was pretty much the end of our fearless bio-weapon/treacherous bastard…

"Ahhh!!! I have slushi in my hair!!"

"Jesus Christ, his hair is messed up again. Ah, fuck it. He can deal with it himself." McDonalds mumbled, looking at the key.

It had a rather strange engraving, in big block letters…**_LOOK AT THE SIGN_!** McDonalds looked up and saw an arrow pointing to a big, metal door. And being the blonde that he is, he didn't get it and looked at the key again. After pondering this strange puzzle for several more minutes, while Wesker ran around the store looking for shampoo, he turned the key over and it had the words _'The key goes into the door, you dumb ass!_' It suddenly hit him…hard…in the shape of a fist…

Wesker cleared his throat, picking up the picture of the hero wanna be he'd been staring at before literally going through the roof, and mumbled a half hearted apology for decking McDonalds. McDonalds wondered for a few seconds if Wesker might be gay but quickly turned to the matter at hand, lest his ADD kick in and he suddenly get preoccupied by yet another shiny object. He quickly herded everyone through the door and into a large white room with TVs lining the walls…and a guy that look a lot like Will Ferrell sitting in a large chair…

"This must be an Umbrella installation." Wesker mumbled, admiring the TVs.

His theory was based on previous experience with Umbrella facilities.

I mean this is the same company that makes you light fires under pictures and shove crystals into statues, just to use the bathroom.

Wesker quickly adjusted his hair, just as our strange friend started to speak.

"To your left is a door that will lead you to a walkthrough, but be warned! If you walk through this door, the story will be spoiled. To your right is the door that you came in from, if you go out there then you can forget this ever happened."

"Are you God?" Asked Mr. Pervert.

"No."

"Well, if your not God, then your Spencer." Said Wesker.

"Who's Spencer?" Replied the old man, now sweating and nervously looking back and forth.

"You are!" Shouted the idiot with the bowling ball.

"Shut up, tubby!" Snapped the old man.

"Go to hell!" From the idiot…

"Why don't you go to hell?!" Old man…

"Maybe I will!" Definitely from the idiot…

"No you... ARGH! He cussed me!" The old man then began to shake his head and mutter something about some guy named William doing the same thing and that's why he'd had to have him eliminated…or some such nonsense.

"Well, if your done with this bickering, then lets check out this walkthrough." Wesker sounded almost board.

"FINE, but you'll be sorry!" Shouted the old guy, waving his fist around wildly as they marched out the door to the left. "Don't let the doorknob hit your ass on the way out!"

The door clicked shut behind them, cutting off the old guy in mid-rant, and our intrepid survivors now appeared to have found a white hallway with several doors.

"Lets split up!"

Yup…ole Rebecca just isn't the sharpest tack in the box. The whole _splitting up_ thing never works in horror stories of any kind. I mean really, didn't the little ditz remember what happened when the Bravo Team split up in the forest?? EVERYBODY DIED!! Hello!! Earth to little annoying ditzy woman! Billy and/or Chris are not here to save your skinny butt this time…but I digress…again…

So acting upon the advice of _little Miss _Medic they split up into two separate groups. Wesker and McDonalds together, heading right. While The Perv, Rebecca, and Mr. Bowling Ball headed to the left.

Several seconds passed in which there was various screams and squishy sounds cooing from the direction that the other group had gone. Not really wanting to know what had happened to their fellow survivors, Wesker and McDonalds speed up their pace. After at least another ten minutes of walking, they finally arrived at a large white door with a sign above it that read…_OPEN ME!_. McDonalds pulled on the doorknob, but it wouldn't budge. Wesker pulled on it and with veins popping and a red face it flung open, sending him flying 20 feet down the hall. McDonalds quickly waltzed though the door, snickering to himself. And once through the door, he found himself in a small area with a black woman sitting on a bench .

"_I_…am your walkthrough."

Meanwhile, Wesker quickly dusted himself off, scampered back down the hallway and through the now open door. He was just in time to hear the black chick proclaim herself The Walkthrough.

"So what now?" he asked in his board/evil voice.

"Don't get huffy with me sonny." she snapped.

"Look lady, I could punt you like a football."

"Yea right, you can't even kill Chris. Plus you get your ass handed to you by a girl later."

She snickered, Wesker scowled. It was turning into one of those days. After a few more growls and some mumbled obscenities, Wesker walked away to inspect the nearest port-a-potty. McDonalds then took this opportunity to question the oracle/walkthrough himself.

"Will I?" he asked.

"You will."

"How will I know?"

"You will know."

"When is it time?"

"You will know."

"Will they be good?"

"They…who the fuck are _they_?" The Walkthrough now looked thoroughly confused, at least she's on the same page as the readers.

"My cookies." The buzzer on the oven beeped and McDonalds opened it , exposing the chocolate greatness. "You want?"

"Yes...no…the doctor said to cut down on the sweets."

"Suit yourself." McDonalds shrugged, snacking on one of the cookies.

"I will now discuss my far superior knowledge about this story."

About this time, Wesker came back. Apparently, he didn't notice the toilet paper waving from the back of his pants. He sat down, and the Walkthrough started to talk.

"You will overcome obstacles, and they will be hard. What you must do is find the Key Maker. He works at the mall. That is all for now."

She got up and left. Wesker and McDonalds then proceeded to look at a map and discuss the best way to the mall. They got up and were about to go, when the shit hit the fan. That funky Matrix music started and they were surrounded by a group of people…Surviving STARS members.

"You take care of these people!" McDonalds yelled, and then took off like a rabbit on speed.

The McDonalds reject fled from the scene so fast Wesker thought he to might have had a shot of Birkin's wonderful virus. Which left him to deal with several Jill's, Chris's, Barry's, Rebecca's, and Brad's. Of course the Rebecca's didn't make much sense but hey, none of the rest of this story has made any sense, why should that?

Wesker cracked his knuckles, dropping his sunglasses to the ground in a very dramatic way as the music peaked. The Brads attacked first but were quickly defeated by the mere scowl Wesker shot them, while laughing evilly. In fact each of them fell to the ground in a fetal position and proceeded to suck on their thumbs, while crying for their mommies.

The Barry's were next. However in some twist of fate, or perhaps just a bad plot hole, they stopped their charge and kneeled down to stare at a puddle of soda.

Wesker crossed his arms, yawning with boredom, waiting to see what the Rebecca's had in store for him. They charged, brandishing large cans of bug spray.

"AHHHH!! My hair!!" Wesker squealed as the Rebecca's peppered him with their various cans of bug repellant. "NOW I'M MAD!!"

Wesker stalked toward the Rebecca's who quickly retreated, employing their dastardly trick of...hiding behind the nearest man they could find, which just happened to be Chris…

"YOU WILL PAY FOR WHAT YOU DID TO STARS!"

Wesker rolled his eyes at this heroic display, my God but Chris was such a ham. The Chris' attacked. Wesker sighed, quickly dispatching them. Heroic figures went flying everywhere and he did this great feat with only his strength and a toothpick….don't ask…

Then, with the help of yet another plot hole, a large pile of breadsticks landed on Wesker's head. He stood there as bread stick, after bread stick bounced harmlessly off his head to land on the ground at his feet.

"Opps, wrong lever." Jill grimaced slightly, letting go of the conveniently placed letter.

The Jill's then looked at the Chris's and ran away in full retreat. The Rebecca's were only a step or two behind, followed by the weeping Brad's and a few straggling Barry's. Most of the Barry's were still examining the soda.

"Well then, off to the mall." Wesker then grabbed his sunglasses and skipped off.

* * *

OT: What lays in wait for out two intrepid survivors at the mall?? Only our next installment can say for sure...


	4. Finding a survivor and a plot

A/N: I do not own Subway, the Olympics, Taco Bell, Mr. Wizard, Trekkies, Men in Black, Claritin, IGN, Chiken of the Sea, The X-Files or Blockbuster…forgot about those…

**

* * *

**

**

* * *

**

**Not too far from Wesker…we find another survivor…**

Ok, there were scary things on the streets, but the young man felt invincible…I mean after all, he had his trusty Blockbuster card in his hand. The man was rake thin, with long black hair, dull gray eyes, and wearing newly bought sunglasses. He moved carefully, and rather fearfully, down the zombie/monster infested street. Then, without warning, he heard footsteps behind him so he did what anyone of us in his precarious position might do...he broke into a run that would make an Olympic sprinter proud.

Suddenly, he was knocked to the ground…after a few brief seconds he regained consciousness long enough to realize his sunglasses had been stolen.

"What the Hell?" he yelled, spotting a running figure in the distance.

Summoning what little courage he had, he quickly followed. Almost immediately he noticed his assailant was dropping breadsticks on the ground.

"3 Second Rule!"

He quickly ran, picked one up, and munched on it while still pursuing the perpetrator...

**Meanwhile…**

Wesker examined his newly acquired sunglasses with pride, and a wee bit of envy. I mean there was no way he could afford Ralph Lauren, polarized, matrix rip-off sunglasses on his HCF salary. He slipped them on, already feeling much more evil. It helped that he'd ran down some poor shmuck to steal them.

"However I did break my _3 evil acts a day_ rule. Oh well my evilness knows no bounds apparently."

And so he skipped onward, finally running into McDonalds near the mall. Three seconds later someone ran into _him_...literally. Wesker turned and looked down to see the kid whose glasses he'd pilfered laying in the middle of the street, munching on a breadstick...and not just any breadstick, but one of the breadsticks he'd been dropping since Jill's ill-timed pulling of the conveniently placed lever.

"Ok, that's just sick and wrong right there."

"My Bread stick…not yours.. MINE!" The little Spastic retard yelled.

This produced a strange look from McDonalds while Wesker looked like he was trying not to hurl. Then, without warning, Spastic jumped to his feet.

"I need some sauce…my new mission...Find Sauce For the Breadstick!"

And he was off…leaving Wesker and McDonalds to wonder if indeed Fate had a sense of humor. So while Wesker and McDonalds pondered the mysteries of Fate, Spastic headed for the nearest convenience store, looking for sauce. Indeed the little moron was now completely unaware of the dangers this course of action presented. Can you say…_one track _mind? Still, he had his Blockbuster card and surely no one would try anything on him, not with nine overdue late fees. This theory would be tested in exactly five seconds, as six hungry zombies crossed paths with our little breadstick eating moron.

"HA! I have the all mighty blockbuster card!"

Spastic struck a heroic pose, or at least some fare facsimile thereof, and threw the card at the lead zombie…to which the zombie replied…

"Ouch…"

However the card did not seem to slow the oncoming hoard. Left with no other options…Spastic ran for his life, and for the second time that night, he ran into Wesker. Wesker looked down and picked Spastic up off the ground by the back of the shirt, with one hand I might add.

"Will you please stop running into me!" he yelled, giving Spastic a good shake.

"But there was a zombie!!" he whimpered.

"So little burger flipper, which way now?" Wesker asked McDonalds, dropping Spastic.

"PIGGY BACK RIDE…YEEHAW !" Spastic yelled…um…err…spastically, jumping on Wesker's back

Either Wesker was utterly stunned by this display of idiocy or he was just having an off day. Either way, it took him a full minute to react. He grabbed Spastic by the shirt, and gave him a toss. Spastic flew a good ten feet through the air, before landing in a pile of styrofoam. Then with the boundless energy, only the truly stupid possess, Spastic jumped to his feet and looked around for another bread stick.

"We must hurry to the mall!"

"Yes, to the mall!" Replied Wesker.

"TO THE MALL!!!" Yelled Spastic, like he was running through Stalingrad in 1942.

They ran…and ran...then ran some more…after ten minutes of that they realized they were running on treadmills. They stepped off and ran for the mall. Suddenly, a thing appeared blocking their way .

"Oh cool, a G-Type parasite monster!" Wesker yelled, consulting a small cardboard…thingy. "Alright!! Only three more and I win _Monster Infested City Bingo_!"

While Wesker was busy with his bingo game the monster spit these, little annoying parasite things at McDonalds. Then with more speed and agility than he had any right to display, McDonalds did these weird moves, and dodged them all. Unfortunately, one hit Spastic in the head. In a display of stupidity, he started chewing on it, proclaiming how much tastier it was than the breadstick. The commotion finally pulled Wesker away from his bingo game long enough to dispose of the problem. He ran up to the monster and gave it an uppercut, sending it flying a good 300 meters away.

"JESUS CHRIST!" McDonalds commented, looking stunned. "Have you ever tried professional boxing??"

"No." Wesker put away his bingo card, and cracked his knuckles. "Back to the mission."

"Sauce for breadsticks?" Spastic was still munching on the remains of the baby parasite.

Wesker stared at him for a few seconds, before bopping him on the head with a rolled up magazine. With the G-Type threat averted, and Spastic properly scolded, they set out in their search for the mall once more. Halfway there, McDonald's ADD kicked in. Apparently he couldn't remember why they were heading to the mall in search of the Key Maker. Maybe to find a plot to this story or possibly to find the truth.

Because you know, the truth is out there…

"ALRIGHT! Who's thinking of the X-Files?! I know you are! I can hear that tune in my head! Well, I tell you now, there is NO conspiracy to what happened to Raccoon City." Yelled Wesker looking around nervously.

McDonalds quickly changed his thoughts to finding a plot.

10mins later...and still no answers…

"This is boring," whined Spastic.

"Sure is," Wesker yawned.

So they started walking...again. Then McDonalds suddenly found himself walking alone. He backtracked and found Spastic and Wesker trying to break into a porno store. McDonalds had always wanted to check one of these places out from the inside, not just the posters that blocked out all the good stuff. Good thing he knew a thing or two about lock-picking.

"And it goes like this..." McDonalds said as he opened the door.

"Oh shit, I always fell for that!" Said Wesker.

They then found themselves in a secret laboratory, with Umbrella logos and stickers all over the place. Then, a man walked up to them…a Russian man…with a name tag that said Nicholai…

"Who are you?" McDonald's asked, although the name tag made it fairly obvious who the guy was.

"I...am your father," He replied.

Wesker was completely ignoring the conversation, and was instead inspecting their new surroundings. He had exactly zero clue as to how they managed to find an Umbrella lab at the mall. Then he remembered that this lab was working on the secret of McDonald's secret sauce. That and the stuff that goes into Taco Bell meat. Apparently Umbrella thought it might make a good bio-weapon.

"I am your father." Nicholai stated once more, waving a hand in front of Wesker's face.

"My father?" Wesker asked, now sporting a rather dumb look.

"Sure, why the hell not. Or I could be lying...hehe..."

"Are you the key maker?" The McDonalds kid asked, finally remembering just why we were here.

"I am. Or I could be lying...hehehe"

"Ok, that's just getting on my nerves now." Wesker was seconds away from belting this guy…father or not…

''This is sooooooooooooooooooooooo boooooooring..'' Spastic moaned.

So he ran around with his lips out and tongue flying everywhere, just like his hero Sponge Bob does. Who were you were you expecting his hero to be…Gandhi?

''JELLY FISHING!"

Luckily this mind numbing display was ended almost as soon as it began. Spastic tripped and fell into a box of tuna.

''Wesker, is this chicken or tuna? I mean, I know its tuna. But it says Chicken of the Sea.''

"Ugh, he won't make the sequel," said Nicholai looking at Spastic.

"Are you the key maker?!" Wesker asked angrily.

"Yes. I know of this key that you need. Let me set it up."

Nicholai started up his machine and after 3 minutes he was done. It had a sword engraving on it.

"Hey, what the fu..."

Nicholai cut off Wesker. "This key can bring you back in time! And its really neat, check out the detail."

He handed the key to McDonalds and pointed to a large door with a keyhole in it. McDonalds unlocked the door and opened it. They all went through and the door closed behind them.

"Why did you come?" McDonalds had finally realized Nicholai was following them.

"Well, I've been having problems with Nemesis and he's been bashing me about for too long, plus I ran out of ammo. I plan on making a path and hiding weapons for when the outbreak happens again." He replied.

"Oh. Ok."

Another door opened and our intrepid survivors, plus Nicholai, now find themselves in a large ornate lobby of some kind. Suddenly the main doors flew open and Wesker, Jill, Barry, and Chris ran in.

"Who the hell are you people?" asked Wesker…the other Wesker…you know the not bio-genetically enhanced one…

Our Wesker couldn't help but admire himself just a bit. _Man, did I always look that good in a S.T.A.R.S. uniform?_ He then glanced at Chris, and had to suppress the sudden urge to maim the little idiot.

"Uh...we're...uh...tourists. Ya, tourists." Our Wesker attempted to look perky, but failed miserably at it.

"Tourists? That's the best you could come up with?" McDonalds whispered. "Why not tell the truth?"

"Don't you ever watch time travel movies?" Wesker sighed heavily, adjusting his sunglasses. "You can't reveal you're from the future to your past self. I screws up the space time continuum or something."

"Thank you Mr. Wizard." Nicholai mumbled.

"What'd you say?!!!!" Wesker replied, angrily. "So what if I'm a trekkie?! Got a problem?!"

"Uh no.. I can get us out of this mess!" Nicholai replied as he grabbed a key and opened up the door.

"Hey, there are dogs and chicken shit out there!" Yelled Barry.

"I'm sure there is, Barry. Hey uh, look at the red thingy," Wesker said as he held up one of those memory erasers like off Men in Black.

McDonalds ran through the door and so did Nicholai. Wesker eventually followed with the Spastic close by. They were in a warehouse.

"I got to go piss, eh?" McDonalds said as he found a toilet.

Just as he finished and zipped up, he heard a gunshot. He ran out to see what it was. Wesker was lying in a puddle of blood, Spastic was choking on a breadstick, and Nicholai was no where to be found.. But he found a note left by him.

I have all the ammo I need. Right now, we are in the middle of the outbreak, Carlos is dead, and I'm going to get it on with that chick Jill. Thanks for your help, I left you something.

McDonalds looked around and found a vial of a familiar substance. It was the McDonalds secret sauce! It all made perfect since now!

"Wesker! Wesker! Wake up!" McDonalds yelled, slamming Wesker into a wall to snap him out of it.

"Last time I ever...play Russian Roulette with a Russian," mumbled Wesker.

"The McDonalds secret sauce caused the outbreak! I always thought that people who ate our food were throwing up and eating the person next to them because it tasted like crap! Oh my god! I think I had one of these burgers! AHHH!!!"

"Wow, very good. You've found out how the virus was spread. Yes, I spread it in Raccoon City…well, according to IGN I did. I do know of an antidote, it is the Subway secret sauce."

"I hate subway. They taste like crap."

"Oh well, medicine never tastes good. I still haven't gotten used to my Claritin tablets."

"Guguggblaahaagahhh..."

Oh shit…they forgot about Spastic, who promptly keeled over dead.

"You were like a son to me!!! DON'T YOU DIE!!! NOOO!!!!"

Wesker than did something so out of character that it could only happen in a fan fic such as this one…he jumped to his feet and began running around the warehouse like a crazed idiot while crying…

"AHHHHHH!"

McDonald's then slapped him across the face, with a conveniently placed flounder, and he got control of himself.

"Alright, I am an evil scientific bastard. I should be able to think of something."

"Ah, dude, who gives a damn?"

Wesker grabbed McDonalds by the throat, lifting him off the floor.

"I'm going to groom him into a top HCF employee!!"

"Wait, the freak?! You really are out of your mind!"

Wesker gave him a good shake, then dropped him on the floor.

"I did not want to use my one ace, but it appears that it will have to be done to save my precious little protégé."

And from his pocket Wesker pullet a small black box. McDonalds stood up and read the disclaimer out loud.

"_Do not open unless the plot has become so befuddled that no one will even attempt to try and understand what is going on. Either that or if the voice acting is really poor. Or if you need to get to the bathroom and don't feel like hunting down seven keys, four crests, and two blue gems. _What the hell is it?"

"This is how the Bravo chopper crashed. How sweet little Rebecca became such a wuss after the whole training facility thing. Why there is confusion as to the name of the Bravo chopper pilot."

Wesker then opened the box, and lifted out a small black disk. He pulled it open until it was as tall as himself, then left it suspended in mid air.

"This is a Resident Evil plot hole."

Wesker jumped through, and a few seconds later reappeared carrying a very healthy Spastic. He then threw the dead one back through the hole and the hole then disappeared.

"There, now we can go to subway." Wesker actually sounded perky for once.

No really he did…

* * *

A/N: Can our intrepid heroes find the anti-virus needed to save poor McDonalds? Will anyone really care if they fail? Only time and our next installments can tell… 


	5. Tyrants and Timers and Bombs

DISCLAIMER: Do not own Hello Kitty.

* * *

Time was running out. McDonalds would soon become a zombie if something drastic was not done within the next few seconds…not that Wesker actually cared, but he didn't have anything better to do at the moment than help the little moron.

"Lets go find Subway!"

Wesker tried to give McDonalds a reassuring pat on the back, but he jumped away. Probably still a wee bit scared from the shaking. They eventually found a map, and it showed that Subway was on Obesity Ave. For some unknown reason they saw this as a blessing, I guess they figured fat zombies couldn't run that fast.

"To Obesity Ave!" Screamed McDonalds.

The three of them ran onto a street…and shortly after arriving at said destination, were surrounded by fat ass zombies. It certainly looked like all hope was lost, despite Wesker's bio-enhanced powers.

"I...I always loved you Wesker!" Cried Spastic.

"I never really hated Chris! We were only playing around!" Cried Wesker.

"I'M STILL A VIRGIN!!" Cried McDonalds.

Just as the slightly overweight zombies were about to suffocate our intrepid heroes, in the worst death possible, a miracle happened. A Twinkie was throw into the crowd and the zombies waddled after it like a pack of dogs going for a three legged cat. As the path of zombies cleared a large neon sign could be seen in the distance…Subway was in plain sight! They ran to it, got inside, and locked the door. Unfortunately they had just made a major mistake…

"What would you like to order?" Asked the person that worked there.

Wesker turned around slowly, plastering an evil grin on his face. He figured, with any luck, he could intimidate this guy into giving them the food without having to pay for it.

Besides he had to do something evil after his ill-timed outburst on the street. It was against his contract to reveal secrets like that to the public, he could lose his job. But it wasn't just for his own sake that he was trying to concrete his persona as treacherous bastard. He was thinking of the countless number of die hard fans that would be heartbroken to learn that him and Chris were good buddies, who often went drinking together on the weekends...

"We want..."

Wesker's eyes bugged out and his voice trailed off into an indistinct croak. And why, you may ask, did this happen? Well it happened as soon as Wesker noticed that the cashier was a tyrant. Apparently even a virally enhanced bastard, is scared of something…Tyrants being number one on his list.

"AHHH!!"

Wesker then huddled behind McDonalds, whimpering softly. McDonalds sighed, shaking his head, and decided to order the sandwich himself.

"Well?" Asked the Tyrant.

"Ok, I want pepperoni, green peppers, mustard, antidote, mayonnaise, ham, and turkey. Oh, add some Canadian bacon to that also."

The Tyrant started to sweat.

"We are all out of antidote.."

"Oh well, I take the sub anyways," he said even though the virus had already started to take effect. McDonald's finger actually fell off as he was digging around dug for the money.

The Tyrant handed him the sandwich, and he took a bite. At the same time, there was a loud _clank _sound. McDonalds wasn't entirely sure what he'd bitten into, because his teeth were numb from the virus. Then the Tyrant pulled its claw out of the sub. That would certainly explain why the sub tasted worse than normal.

"ROOOAAAARRRRRR!!!!" The Tyrant they proceeded to wave his injured claw in the air.

"OOGA BOOGA!!" McDonalds yelped waving his arms around wildly.

"AHHHH!" Wesker yelled running around in circles, spastically.

And just what was his train of thought at the moment…let's take a peek shall we…

I've been impaled by a tyrant once already. True, Id came back bigger and bidder than ever but...

GETTING IMPALED HURTS LIKE CRAP MAN!!

No way not gonna do that again!

"I want my mommy!!" He then promptly broke into tears, while McDonalds fell literally apart, and Spastic played with Wesker's sunglasses.

"4...Itchy...Tasty..." McDonalds mumbled, scratching at his back.

For some unknown reason, well known only to the authoress anyway, Wesker stopped his spastic display of cowardice and turned in McDonalds direction.

"That sounds familiar." Wesker tapped his forehead for a second, thinking "Where was that... oh yeah, the mansion! That keeper guy said it when we were playing poker one night. Even though several files clearly indicate that he was playing cards with some lowly subordinate."

"You...you mean the Spencer Mansion?" The Tyrant looked both confused and surprised…not a pretty sight on that face.

"Ahhh! He spoke!!" Wesker yelled hysterically, instantly reverting back to his former cowardice. "Please don't hurt me, I'll tell you anything! Yes…yes it was the Spencer mansion!"

"That brings back memories.." The Tyrant looked ready to cry…which was damn near as horrid as it's surprised/confused look. "I had to be stitched back together after the mansion went _ka-boom_. It hurt like hell."

"It did?" Now it was Wesker's turn to look confused.

"Yes." Said the blubbery eyed Tyrant.

"I guess we are even then. I mean, you impaled me and that hurt like a bitch."

"I remember that, I'm sorry!" Cried the Tyrant giving Wesker a back breaking hug. He then handed McDonalds a small vial. "Here is your antidote, little man."

McDonalds grabbed for it, then popped a few loose fingers into place before drinking it. He got a hangover, but that was the extent of the side effects. Without warning, unless of course you've played any of these games before, a loud announcement rang over the intercom.

Emergency…you have 3 minutes till you die…That's right, 3 minutes.

The woman sounded almost board…

"AHHHH!!!!" Spastic then started running around in circles.

"Holy Christ! I just saved myself for this!?"

McDonalds did not seem too pleased with this newest setback…nor, for that matter, did Wesker.

"3 MINUTES!!" Wesker yelled shaking a fist at the ceiling "YOU GAVE THOSE IDIOTS IN THE MANSION LIKE FOREVER TO GET TO THE ROOF!! AND WE ONLY GET 3 MINUTES??!!"

The dull voice sprung to life again.

Listen blondie, I just read what the damn paper says alright…So I may have been a tad bit late with the whole…_Outbreak detected...3 minutes until detonation… _back in the mansion…Cut me some frigging slack, you have no idea how boring this job is…

Wesker growled, he ranted, he hit the wall shattering plaster and causing a real mess.

"Hey, come on!! I gotta clean that up you know!" The tyrant said, shaking his head at the plaster all over the floor.

"PRETTY!!"

Spastic pointed to the little green florescent timer hanging over their heads. They were down to 2 minutes 29 seconds.

"I hate Capcom, I really do." Wesker moaned.

"Hey, can I keep the little guy?" Asked the Tyrant. "I'll trade you the keys for my chopper."

"You can have him," McDonalds put Spastic on a leash and took the keys.

"The chopper's on the roof."

McDonalds headed for the roof, while Wesker stood there getting all teary eyed. A rather pathetic site really…

"I'm…I'm going to miss you little guy."

"We don't have time!" McDonalds yelled, pulling him along.

They soon reached the roof, despite all of Wesker's repeated attempts to rescue his little protégé. However, when they got there they found Nicholai trying to break into the Hind (Soviet gunship).

"Uh…I have keys!" McDonalds held up a set of keys with a very cute Hello Kitty key chain.

"You do? I seem to have lost mine." Nicholai smiled innocently, which was fooling no one.

They all climbed in and Nicholai turned it on to get it warmed up. Meanwhile the Tyrant and Spastic came out to wave them goodbye, while Wesker sat in one of the seats his face pressed up against one of the windows, crying like a five year old.

KABOOM!

Where the Tyrant had been standing was now a 2 foot deep hole in the ground.

"That's not the rotor button!" screamed Nicholai.

"Here, Spastic. Here boy!" Wesker threw open the cargo door, and Spastic jumped into the chopper.

And the chopper lifted majestically into the sky...

Well, that's what would have happened if McDonalds knew how to fly a chopper that is. Instead they sorta fell off the roof, dropped like four feet, skidded sideways, took out two telephone poles, three electrical wires, and Wesker suspected that they mass murdered a flock of crows. The black feathers flying past the windows was a dead giveaway. He glanced out the window, and to this day, swears he saw zombies laughing at them.

"Now we just gotta get clear before the bomb hits." Nicholai said, seeming to be very cheerful.

"What bomb?"

Suddenly there was a loud earth shattering _ka-boom..._

Well...there would have been, had Capcom not been so cheap about the damn sound effects. Instead everything went all quiet an then the city sorta disintegrated after that.

"Pretty!! FIREWORKS!!" Spastic screamed crawling over Wesker to get to the window.

"Uh, now what?" McDonalds asked, attempting to steer the chopper and failing miserably at it.

"We'll go to my place, I got beer!"

So off into the sunset they rode, going to Wesker's house for beer...

Hope Chris bought some while I was out...

And thus ends the story of…'COON CITY…

* * *

A/N: Well I hope you enjoyed this bit of mindless drivel . Watch for the sequel…coming soon! 


End file.
